Q Dear Ellie, I’m in my late forties and am married with two children. We’ve been married for about 15 years and have never had a falling out.
My daughter is 15, my son is 17. Now, however, I find it very difficult to relax, especially when we are together socially. I’m concerned that my husband will stop touching me and will withdraw. He doesn’t tell me that this is what he is feeling, but sometimes I read between the lines. The other day, when we were travelling on the train and it was dark outside, my husband did not feel like checking the time and said that he could not feel it in his fingertips. It still worries me that my husband may be gay.
I have tried to discuss my concerns with him, and most times he just goes off to a quiet spot away from me to read a book. I don’t feel as though I can hold him to account. How can I live with my doubts?
A It sounds as though your husband may be gay and feels suppressed. I understand that you feel uneasy when he is away or reading and would advise having a discussion with him about your concerns.
You need to deal with these anxieties rather than let yourself be inhibited by them. I would encourage you to use your husband as an opportunity to question your beliefs. The bigger your question is the better because this could lead to greater understanding.
Your concerns about this particular aspect of your husband are valid, and it sounds as though you are uncertain about what to do about them. I would encourage you to use this as an opportunity to discuss your different ideas and attitudes about life and sexuality. The more you keep this open and honest, the better! Your concerns will either intensify or diminish – but by approaching your concerns in this way you could eventually find that they disappear.
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